cyan's posterous

What would Larry David do?

I've been a bit obsessed with Curb Your Enthusiasm. Every episode is slowly trickling into my DVR and between the hours of 7-9AM, I sit in bed with my morning tea and watch them in the background while I start my day. I should slow down, because I'm going to run out of episodes and feel that loss that you feel when you've been cut off from something really, really good.

I guess if I ran out of CYE to watch, I'd turn to every episode of Seinfeld. I hate to admit this, but I've only seen one show. Apparently it was an important defining episode about muffin tops - not the bulge we women get above our pants, but literally, the tops of muffins.

Sometimes, after I let out a good laugh with CYE, I stop and think about how dead on Larry David is about "manners" and then I feel jealous because I wish, in some ways, I could be more like him. Not the lying to be polite part of Larry David, but the tell it like it is and get branded an ass part of Larry David.

So, I sit there wishing I could be more of an ass.

I'm not an ass, or at least, I'm rarely an ass. Then I laugh some more, because I don't know why I want to be such an ass, but I guess I just want to speak my mind more. I want to tell the world more about how I see it when I see it and sometimes that brutal honesty isn't "polite" or the "right thing to do", but in the end it is the best thing to do. Sometimes it is the most respected thing to do and appreciated more than we would like to admit.

I'm attracted to people who do this well. I marvel at their ability to tell people how they really feel. I'm dishonest through being quiet and I'm dishonest for not speaking my opinion when I worry that it will be offensive or burn bridges. A good friend of mine told me once that I am afraid of confrontation. I resented this, because I thought I was good at it, but he was right. I'm not good at it. I'm good at harmony and being happy and fuzzy bunny like, but not at being prickly and uncomfortable.

I'm going to work on this.

Posted January 16, 2012

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31 days of giving

Recently, every night before bed, I turn on the tv and while switching through channels and looking at my recorded on demand shows, I usually stumble, somehow, into the nightly news. The news is packaged and designed to reel you in like a slot machine. With the little tickers, flashes of light, breaking news music, tone of voice, graveness, etc. All of it begs you to pay attention to it and rarely any of it, except for the sports and weather updates are good. For some reason, some of us like to hear bad news, because I think a news channel with nothing but good news wouldn't actually do that well. I watch a show called "Sister Wives" and I always comment about how they don't have enough drama and peril to make the show interesting enough. Their family gets along too well. So, I don't think the show will be on much longer. It keeps getting renewed, so I guess I'm wrong, but its the only reality show I watch that just showcases happy life. Everything else is a disaster. I guess I put the nightly news in the reality tv category. It feels the same to me.

So, fed up with the news and the hurt in my heart, I decided I was going to do something about how I felt. I think charities, instead of laws, can solve a lot of problems in this world, esp. if we all got into the mindset of giving back whenever we could. Right now, a lot of people are experiencing hard economic times, but even some of the poorest people I know bought turkeys for people poorer than them this Thanksgiving. Everyone has something give - VOLUNTARILY - if they wanted to, even if it is just one cent.

I have more than one cent to give, so I thought while I do, and while I can, I'm going to make a seasonal tradition of giving to one charity every day of December and I plan on doing this every year as long as I can. I'm going to tweet about each charity and post a weekly blog rollup to go through each charity in more detail. My hope is that maybe I'll inspire others to do the same, even if all they can give is five dollars.

We all believe in different things and if you look out there, there's a whole host of non-profits that fit everything we all believe in. We can vote with our dollars to make change.

If only the IRS worked this way. ;-)

Happy winter everyone. This year was hard for a lot of people, but I think everyone can get to the other side if we all help one another without the force of the government. Instead of believing in them to save us, I choose to believe that we can help save each other on our own.

Love to you all.

Posted December 2, 2011

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Tragedy

I rarely discuss how I feel about politically charged issues. I tend to keep to myself and I have a close group of friends that I talk to, mainly because my beliefs are pretty damn unpopular in most of California and it usually ends up in a tiring debate that causes me to want to become a hermit.

I woke up yesterday and looked at my Twitter feed and felt my heart sink. I couldn't believe what I was reading and I lost my ability to stay quiet on the issue.

Last Saturday US Congresswoman Gifford was shot point blank in the head and several others in the crowd who came to see her were shot at, leaving six others dead including a 9 year old little girl. I tried to stay out of the debates until I saw the tweets below show up in my feed.

You know what my first reaction was? I'm so glad two men tackled him to the ground and restrained the shooter until the police arrived. That man is crazy. This is a grave tragedy. My heart hurt for the victims of such a senseless crime.

My first thoughts were not:

"Tuesday, we struggled with the killing of a Pakistani governor for his moderate beliefs. Today, @Rep_Giffords was assassinated for the same."

"If Bush had preserved the assault weapons ban, AZ shooter's clips would have had 10 rounds, not 30. Period. http://j.mp/fYgMSA"

or

"Congratulations @SarahPalinUSA and @GlennBeck: You got your wish. http://instagr.am/p/68p0/"

These tweets (among many others) showed up in my Twitter stream yesterday.

Let me address why each one is so upsetting to me.

1) You don't know this. Propagating this bullshit is damaging. There was no way to know this until we ask the perp why he committed the crime. This is pure speculation and not based on any skeptic reasoning. Maybe he just hated the government in all of its forms. Maybe he hated women. We'll know after the trial. Don't make shit up.

2) Sure. However, if I were a killer with the motive, "I want to kill as many people as possible...", I'd pick the right weapon for the job. If a gun with 10 rounds was less appealing to me, then I'd move to black market or make my own gun or worse, bomb. We Americans are really good at creating black markets in response to laws. Have we not learned anything? Do you think a killer gives a flying fuck if their gun is legal or not when they plan to kill innocent people? No. My guess is that wasn't on his check list. Goal: kill Giffords and her followers. Check. Make sure gun is legal.... uhh yeah, no.

He was stopped because two brave men got the guts to take him down. The pause probably helped them think it was possible, but what if they didn't? He would have reloaded, possibly shooting 30 more rounds.

Do not blame the gun. Blame the shooter!

My point is, passing laws that create black markets and punish good people is NOT THE ANSWER. Guns are not the problem. That man was the problem. Guns don't kill people. People who point them at people kill people. Guess what? There aren't that many people crazy enough and fucked up enough to do what he did. Don't punish a state or a nation for edge cases. Just don't. Taking away freedom is not the answer.

3) Unfortunately, I've seen several articles after this where people are calling for bans on metaphors. Seriously? I mean, SERIOUSLY? Yeah, no. I do not believe for a second that Palin wanted anyone on that list dead. I also do not believe she supports violence. Also, I don't like most anything she says and do not support her, but to accuse her of "getting her wish" is just cruel. It makes you look like a sick person. Don't wag your finger at people and accuse them of wishing others dead. It was a poor use of art, but by no means the cause. The shooter is the cause. Do not imply that words cause people to kill. Words can not kill people.

THE SHOOTER IS THE CAUSE. Blame him. Stop blaming everyone else. He created this tragedy. Two heroes took him down. Lets focus on that. Lets not turn this into a way to take away freedom. Lets not turn this into an attack on our constitutional rights.

I woke up and before I showered, I decided to share these thoughts to clear my mind. I was worried about the reaction I'd get, but overall I was pleased that it was mostly positive.

Posted January 12, 2011

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10,000 feet tall

I think I was 19 years old when I learned this lesson the first time and I'm embarrassed that I've somehow forgotten it. The lesson is around unreasonable expectations of friendship or relationships in general.

The person who taught me this lesson was my friend Andrew Kornuta. We had been great friends, but I had grown unhappy with him, mostly because I wasn't seeing as much of him as I wanted and I didn't feel that he put the same amount of energy and effort into our friendship. One day he called me and this is what I remember him telling me:

"Cyan, I'm never going to be who you want me to be. I'm not going to be the friend you want me to be. As a matter of fact, if you don't stop having unreasonable expectations of me, we just won't be friends at all and I don't think that's what you want." I remember not saying anything to this. I was shocked and we just ended the call. I sat around my house in a ball and cried. Those words hurt. They hurt because they were true. They were so painfully true.

I expected too much from my friends and as a result, they kept failing me. I made all of my friends 10,000 feet tall. I looked up to all of them and hoped I was as tall as they were, but it never felt like I was. I never felt that way, because they didn't behave how I expected. I felt like I was putting 150% in and getting 75% back.

It took me about a year, but I learned to let go of expectation. I became a happier person. I stopped caring about things I once cared a lot about and I realized the world has a lot of meaning, but it is meaning that we assign to it and it is often wildly subjective. Wrongs and rights suddenly were fluid and I had to relearn what wrong and right might be.The definition was much smaller. Much, much, much smaller.

I guess I'm still learning. I guess I'm always learning.

Today, in the shower, I was pondering a friendship that I've been sad about. I drew two lines on the bathroom walls in the steam collected on them. One was really high. As high as I could reach and one was really low. The friend was high and I was low and it suddenly hit me that I've gone and done it again. I've slipped. My heart hurt and it was all my fault. It wasn't them, it was me and my inability to cast aside expectation.

I sat wishing I was also tall and that we stood at the same height. In reality, maybe I do to them. In reality, maybe I'm important, but maybe I'm just not and that's got to be fine. In reality, how I feel most likely doesn't match, because I do put a lot into everything. I sometimes even pour gas on both ends of flames, because I burn bright.

I then wondered if I was 10,000 feet tall to anyone else and realized that maybe I don't meet their expecations and I was reminded of how terrible expectations can be. I am probably not putting effort into friendships that I need to. I am probably missing out on a lot of love.

I have to relearn a few things, but I need to be happy with people how they are and how they feel about me.

So what happened to Andrew and I? We're still friends. I don't see him anymore, as he's on a different coast, but I know if he came into town, we'd hit it back off again and we'd be fine. I don't have any expectations of him anymore and that's freedom.

I don't feel free right now and I'm the only person who can fix that.

Expectations are buggy.

Posted November 8, 2010

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